[Vicarious] Fun with Online Dating

Like the opening of the Simpsons, like Leslie Nielsen pounding out "Don't call me Shirley," like "Oh my God, they killed Kenny," there are several running gags which transcend their particular shows and become part of the popular lexicon, for the current generation to quote ceaselessly and the previous generation to be excluded from.
Sidekick informs me that the best hope for this blog to achieve said transcendence may well lie in my sarcastic-but-kind-hearted skewering of the online dating scene (Most recently in the previous post). So let's keep it light: We'll just do the picture and a comment thing with photos culled from online dating services around the United States (but not eHarmony because Girlfriend tipped me off that they're fucking evil)...


OK, 5 words: "White people, knock it off."
I. Don't. Care. How ghetto you think you are. The 45-degree angle baseball hat was invented by our Afro-American bro's to see how quickly they could get Whitey to copy something no matter how insane it looks. And we bit like catfish. So stop making them laugh at us behind our backs. We have enough problems trying to lift ourselves up in Street Cred making up for white guys in khakis who think Bluetooth headsets make them cool. Don't fucking make it worse.

The picture is jaunty, she's smiling, so far so good. It's like seeing a really hot-looking car from across the lot, and it's in just your color.
So the profile asks for each person to fill something in under "Unforgiveable Vice" and here's her answer: "Men that shave everything and ask for my help."
Great so far, I'm opening the car door, and....
The profile asks for who you resemble, and her answer: "People tell me I look like a really sexy super duper ring tailed lemur."
Aaaah.... Rich Corinthian leather.


So the two of you have had a few dates, maybe. It's nothing serious yet, but she has this.... unspoken possessiveness that's just creepy. You break a date to help a friend move, and for the first time in your life it's not actually a lie.
Try convincing her of that. Let the cross examination begin.

This makes me want to suck in my gut and eat better. I won't of course, but I think you're feelin' me.