It Exists, Therefore It Is Ridiculous.

While I usually attempt some sort of social commentary or wry observational wit, with fitful success, it is with great pleasure I merely transcribe, verbatim, items which by their very existence self-satirize and point up how what a bloated, sorry, pathetic lot celebrity chasers are. (The italics in the story are mine, everything else is verbatim).

Cruise & Holmes Baby Pictures Fail To Sell
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes refused to sell pictures of their new daughter Suri, after the photos were offered to the media and failed to get a significant price, according to media reports in the US. Photos of other new born celebrity babies, including Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby Shiloh, Gwen Stefani's baby Kingston and Brooke Shields' baby Grier have all graced the covers of major magazines. According to Fox News correspondent Roger Friedman, a photo shoot of Suri was offered to photo agency WireImage. Photos of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt were reportedly sold to People magazine for $4 million, but pictures of Suri Cruise produced not more than a $3 million bid. At that point the offer for the photos was reportedly rescinded. A magazine expert tells Friedman now that the baby is nearly three months old, her price will only go down, adding, "Shiloh was the whole deal. We won't see a baby like that again for a while."

Yes indeedy! A baby birthed by two people who spend their lives being someone they're not, a baby who hasn't done dick for human society yet, a baby who apparently has more game than Baby Jesus, ah my friend, now we're talking fucking jackpot! Only $3,000,000.00 for the Cruise baby! Fuck those clowns. How dare they. Off with their heads, infidels! They'll all be sorry when Suri reaches Scientology level OT7! Then shall they tremble!

This just in: You-know-who.... ...is still a Screaming Hysterical Harpy Bitch who Needs to Get Laid. This is actually the 7332nd consecutive day of this condition. Godspeed, Anne, you know we love you, by which of course I mean we don't.

Unfortunate Irony (World Cup Fans Only)

This unintentionally droll ad featuring the allegedly 5th-ranked USA soccer team appeared on several major sports websites today. Given the football clinic put on at the Americans' expense on Monday, USA coach Bruce Arena is reported to have replied "Is it in us?!? Yeah, I'd say the Czechs shoved it up there about 3 goals deep. It's even money that our back line is still gonna be walking funny come Saturday."

Prediction v. Italy: The Azzurri post a 1-0 result in a game that's not nearly as close as it looks. Beasley is moved back to his correct side of the field without much impact. Kasey Keller makes 2 dazzling saves and gets a post ball to keep it close.

You Can't Spell Ann Coulter without C-U-N... Well, you get the idea...

If you're not familiar with the firestorm surrounding anN CoUlTer's latest moneygrab, read about it it here. If you are, I'm here for ya, brutha.
Coulter's stock in trade is opinion. Incendiary, 'move them books off the shelves' opinion. Confronted, she invariably tosses off some flip rejoinder about how the truth hurts and people need to be hit over the head with it.
So in the interest of truth delivered in full-color BrutalVision(c), I'm going to take the male, knuckle-dragging perspective. And remember, she started it.

OK, Ann? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but... uh... you.. are not sexy.

I know, I know you think you are, because of, well... this...



...and this....

...and this, the front page picture on the official anN CoUlTer website, which you won't be surprised to find is sited at BecauseDaddyNeverLovedMe.com....

...and I was raised around enough political correctness to know that I couldn't bring this up myself if you didn't make an issue of it first, but you use sex or try to, to sell your particular brand of hate. The amazing thing to me is that people buy it. I am around your age, though, and I do like all types of women, really I do, but for Christ's sake, eat some freakin' meat sometime, you gotta lose that crazy eye intense Loreena Bobbitt thing you got going. It's really off-putting to most men, even those dyed-in-the-wool Conservatives that jack off while drafting anti gay marriage bills because they may or may not be repressed.

As I think about this, I was going to go into a lengthy dissertation contrasting anN CoUlTer's words with some indisuptable facts, but as I examine the graphic library I've built up (a simple Google Image search with the pertinent name will give you these and far worse, or better, depending on your perspective. Make sure SafeSearch is off for best results), I think as far as just lowbrow sniping, they work pretty well. Let other people go into lengthy dissertations of the facts. I mean, come on, unless you sacrifice family pets on your backyard BBQ or still believe in supply-side economics, you've got to admit most of anN CoUlTer's stuff isn't factual either. So let the pundits debate, I choose to take refuge in good old American satire....





OK, for those of you who are sticklers for the truth, here are some links to true factual deconstructions of anN CoUlTer's bullshit:

• Take the "Coulter or Hitler" Quote Quiz
• Al Franken has done a beautiful job cutting down Ann without ever bringing up the rampant internet rumor that she is a transsexual (1) , given that there is no record of a woman named anN CoUlTer being born in Connecticut in 1962-63, her avowed birth year. Al, weary of shooting fish in a barrel, has moved on to form a PAC that promotes real Midwest Values.
• In the "Give 'Em Enough Rope" department, Ann in her own words.

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(1) Neither does he bring up the fact that she holds a rather dubious world record.

Cleveland: Fish in a Barrel

Working this week in Cleveland, I pick up the Plain Dealer, still one of my favorite newspapers because they do actual investigative reporting. TV clowns, take note.

They always do an opinion question, and instead of the actual man-on-the-street, now you can respond electronically. Here's Monday's question:

What should be the top priority for Cleveland's new schools CEO, Eugene Sanders?

One of the answers was the following:

Students should start reciting the Lord's Prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance. It would instill pride in them.
[AddressHidden]@aol.com

Now I'll admit this sort of Judeo-Christian ethic to the exclusion of other religions is not the exclusive province of Cleveland. As America goes, Cleveland is actually quite liberal politically, one of the few blue-state strongholds in Ohio actually. (Not that politics and religion always intersect on those angles, but hey, I'm sure it's a coincidence that Bush is pounding the anti-gay marriage thing again and we're having mid-term elections)

Anyway, I know a fundamentalist when I see one, and as a misquoting relative of mine is fond of malapropping, messing with them is easy as "eating fish in a barrel." So over the past 18 hours, this is a verbatim transcription, misspellings and all, of our e-mail exchange (I've deleted their e-mail address, but if you want to find it, it's easy enough to do so on the Plain Dealer's website)

Me: Pledge of Allegiance? I agree. Lord's Prayer? What about the non-Christians, or don't they count?

Bible Thumper: I said "students', that should cover Christians and non- Christians, and where, and who is Christian, a person is not a Christian until he or she becomes Christ-like, and where can we find some one who is Christ-like.We are supposed to be striving to become Christ-like, but few are.That is what is wrong with people, there is only one God, no matter what their religion is, and religion is man made.And going to Church does not make one a Christian.No one is Christ-like because there is too much hate in the world, and jealousy he world is not connected to their Heavenly Father, our Creator, Children do not know their Heavenly father, much less their earthly father. Man has replaced god's laws with his own.And as far as non Christians, they will to answer to God if they do not repent."Spare the rod and spoil the child", man has changed that, that is why our children are crazy, on drugs, beating up people and killing. These are the non-Christians, Children have to be taught to be a Christian(Christ-like, they are taught to beat up homeless people, kill, do drugs, disrespect their parents and the laws of the land. Being is to love your neighbor, as you do yourself, keyword being love,and there is no love in the world any more.Only hate, the world hate the poor. Children learn hate at home, and take it into the world when they leave home, that is why the world is so infested with hate. I see the mottos in advertisements God
Bless America, well guess what, America does not Bless God by taking his name out of everything, schools, state departments, pledge of allegiance.So, that is why so much is going on in America.If America hate God, there is only going to be chaos in America.and Non-Christians are sinners, and we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.So who is really a Christian, who is really Christ-like.The world have been hating Jesus over 2000 years, if a person does not believe in Jesus Christ, that person hate Him.If America does not want its young to know Jesus Christ, the devil will take over their lives, and that has happened,One must serve Jesus Christ, (do his work), or one will serve the devil(do his work), but one must serve one or the other.One cannot have two masters.

BT (A second e-mail in case I didn't already get the point):
I never said no one counted, that is the mind set of America, a lot of people do not count, If a person is a non Christian, I guess you are speaking of another religion, that person is still only serving one God, the one God that person will have to answer to .Religion means nothing,if one is serving other gods,people make gods out of anything, children houses,husbands,cars, and do not forget money.so, these things are their gods.They are not serving the one true God.

Me: Look, don't muddy the debate here, I'm saying you are trying to use public money to force your beliefs on other people. Because what I'm hearing you say is, under your belief system, there is only one God, the Christian God, and that's fine, I respect your beliefs. But for you to say that everyone should be forced to pray to that Christian God whether or not they believe, that's intolerant and wrong. In fact, it's downright un-American. America was founded on religious freedom. Now you want to force everyone to believe in (or at least give lip service to) a certain God, your God. That's why we left England in the first place.

BT: The government is forcing people what to do with public money, not me.Why are you angry, because you hate God too.You are trying to force you beliefs on me,what public money am I using, I am a private citizen.You proved what I said to be true, tooo much hate in the world, you are full of hate. There is only one God, how man Gods do you think there are?I can see the devil rising up in you, when someone speak about God, and they become angry, it is hate.the devil is your father, I see that, since America is so color struck, I guess they hate God, because of the color of his skin, God is not blond, blue-eyed with long stringy hair as depicted, the book of Revelation,1:15, says "His feet were like unto fine Brass as if they burned in a furnace", and we all know Brass is not white.so, why would America depict Him as white and He is not?America lie about everything, Indians, slaves, Immigrants, and this is a country of immigrants, I am not muddying up anything, you do that when you became angry. what make you think I have to go along with what you say, people like you want to tell people what to do, and they are supposed to listen or believe it, i believe and trust no one but, God.

Me: Why is it every time someone disagrees with a zealot of a particular religion, they are accused of being an infidel? All I said was, given your comment in the paper, it seems as though you would like to force the Christian God down the throats of non-Christians. Given your latest reply, I see that I was correct in my original assumption, and so, this conversation is over. You have proven yourself incapable of any debate which falls outside the bounds of your rather aggressive religious dogma. Good day to you.

And so it was... over that is. Either that or they're out protesting at an abortion clinic and I'll hear back later... But I ain't holdin' my breath.

Caffeine and Sunshine

I'm in Cleveland this week. It's finally sunny in this part of the Midwest after 4 or 5 consecutive days of rain.
Sitting here by my open hotel room window, sipping coffee and reading for a few moments before leaving for business, it's easy to believe that everything's going to be OK in the world.
So at least for right now, I do.

XTD: Ithaca Festival

June's XTD (eXcuse To Drink) comes early in the month, in the form of a road trip tomorrow to the Ithaca Festival, in New York. We rented one of those pearl white pimpmobile Chrysler 300's, and I think I almost have Girlfriend and Gay Friend convinced they have to wear Huggy Bear hats and use a pimped-out walking stick to go from gas pump to convenience store, at least on the trip in. Cross your fingers.

I've never been to Ithacafest, but from what I understand, it's all local artisans, local music, and local food. The hyperbolic descriptions worked up by some Chamber of Commerce flak on the festival's website include a line touting "the best BBQ you've ever tasted," which I'm guessing is a desperate attempt to win over the influx of tourists from South Carolina and Georgia who I'm sure stream up to New England in ever-greater numbers to get away from... uh... warm weather?!?

This trip is prime XTD not only because we're two states away from home when anything unlawful occurs, but because Gay Friend is along. We can get away with asking women anything now, because once they know he's gay, the guard comes down.

"Are those real? Oh, let me check!"

"Is that a thong or ass floss, sweetie?"

"What am I doing? Just out looking to get LAID, dear!"

I say any of that shit to a straight chick, I get ignored at best, slapped at worst. Gay Friend says it, the girl's buying Cosmo's all around. I love it.


Sidebar: Movie Nudity Alert

X-Men 3/The Last Stand/Whatever The Hell It's Called is a decent action flick; I'm not a comic dude, so all you geeks can slam your puds all over the message boards about that shit for all I care. Like it or hate it, though, the movie has one awesome scene in which mutant Rebecca Romijn is turned back into a normal human, lying naked and sprawled on the floor of a truck. Incredible. I don't have a screen cap for it, but if I did it would look something like.... this....