If I Had A Hammer, She Said, I'd Hammer Out A Coda

Joan's key still don't work (See the last post).. But her pen does, thankfully.
On March 24, I received an e-mail from her entitled "If I Had A Blog," which follows below unedited.
Me: "Would you be okay with me posting it on mine then?"
Her: "Fine by me."

~~~

Again. Even though she'd sworn it was gonna be just the once. The lesson stuck this time, more clear for the repetition. It wasn't commitment or monogamy, just the reciprocal nature of healthy relationships.

She was grateful he'd done it. Saved the months it would have taken her to get there. Still affected by leaving him, the one she'd spent a third of her life with, leavings… endings… came slowly to her. But reciprocity was something she couldn't live without.

He wasn't comfortable with her anymore. Her simple presence in his now hometown would make him ill at ease. Decrease his peace. But he was comfortable with the memory, the nostalgia of her. She was his fallback position. Only that.

She wasn't blaming him, she wasn't. She had. She knew the difference.

It took her 22-year-old nephew to remind her how unhappy she'd been with the way things were. The tragedy of the split wasn't the loss of what she'd had, it was the loss of what she'd hoped for. Again.

The benefit of doing it twice was that she felt clear on it now. None of the usual fear of repeating her mistake, thinking that a relationship that had become one-way would eventually become whole again.

Reciprocity. Two-way streets wouldn't always go where she wanted. But dead ends never would.

--Joan (3/24/07)